I'll carry your heart

daddy.

I was driven to an old neighbor's house. I was in anticipation. I was so nervous. We arrived and mom kissed me goodbye. I watched the kids I babysat [well minus Amber, who was working with her dad. I never babysat Tylor...he was just a little baby when I was moving away] as a seventh grader get ready to go to their grandmother's house. I was a mental wreck. This was really hard for me. We all climbed into the van and made the journey to west Epping. We dropped the kids off. Sunni and I talked about a lot of things. I fiddled with my sweatshirt the whole time. Inside I was scared of what he would think of me. I was horrified. Am I too fat? Will he be proud? Will he cry? Will I cry? Would he think I'm a jerk like his family? All these thoughts raced through my head. I held in tears. We arrived at our destination thanks to a TomTom Navigator that sounded like a dog that had had one too many martinis. I was far too nervous about my IDs. I was unsure one would go through. They sent one back to me, they didn't need it. It was the one with my real name. We were checked, after sitting in a waiting room for ten minutes. We walked through the metal detectors and into a small hallway. After placing our hands under a slot to get an invisible stamp, we walked into this cafeteria-like room. We were told our table number, 19 for those of you keeping score at home, and we sat and waited. We waited for about 20 minutes. I watched the men walk out to see their loved ones. I saw people hugging, some father's playing with their little boys, and girls my age playing a board game. Finally, it seemed like it took forever [the wait alone killed me] he walked out. Due to my bad vision, I had Sunni look to make sure it was him. It was! The moment I'd been waiting years for was finally here! I got up and walked towards him. "Daddy?" I started to tear up. "Start walking towards him," Sunni told me. So I did. I walked so fast. I didn't think I could hug anyone so tight. I cried into his shoulder. "Hey kid." My dad always called me kid. Then again, he called my mom kid, too. He hugged Sunni and after he hugged her, I hugged him again. Sunni had settled in her seat and I noticed she was tearing up, too. From 8:30am to 11:30am, we talked about various things. I couldn't stop staring at my dad. He was so much thinner than I remember. He aged a lot in 4 years. His eyes were still crystal blue. His facial hair was all gone. It used to make his face look fuller somehow. The loneliness of time brought him up to his speed with his age [49]. I greedily drank in every detail of his face. After the visit, though, I could hardly remember what he'd looked like. All I can remember is the visions of him from my childhood. I miss my dad so much. Those three hours not only made my year, but killed me. I feel more guilty than anyone could ever know.

Current Mood: scared